One of the oldest axioms (or is it axia?) is to avoid discussing politcs or religion. So I go out on a limb here. My grandfather used to say that you can’t rise to the top in politics without being tainted. Why did he say this? What did he know? Maybe he was right. Who would want to hang in there all the way to the top while being tossed around by criticism, slander, libel, dirty jokes, backstabbing and favoritism? It seems like too much trouble to the sane, normal person. Which leads me to believe that the ones who finally make it are neither. Any more.

Were things different in the days of Ben Franklin, Thomas Jefferson or even Churchill? I don’t know. But politIcs is a magnet for backstabbers and liars. It goes with the territory. So what kinds of people these days are the leaders of the pack? What do they do and how do they act, and knowing the answers to these questions, why would we want them to be our leaders? Read the rest of this entry »

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My mother was a great shopper. She excelled at it. Marketing Professors from Columbia and Harvard used to call her for clarification on weighty problems on how to handle a sale, how to allocate your time and how to avoid the pitfalls. They’d confer with her to explain the difference between a sale and a special, or how to recognize leather from vinyl from across a crowded plaza.

Now that the shoppers’ season is in full bloom, it might behoove all of us to understand the intricacies of this shopping behavior. Let’s begin with “The Sale.”

Do retailers cheat and lie? Yes. They say something is “on sale” when it is really just “for sale.” How do you know the difference? The answer is that serious people study this shopping thing and become experts. It’s like the stock market. They say you shouldn’t play unless you know the difference between a buy, a sell and a put. So, if there’s a shirt that is priced $40, you have to know whether that is the regular price or a bargain. Otherwise, you should stay at home and bake muffins. Read the rest of this entry »

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I find it fascinating to read about men’s feelings and attitudes in and about romantic relationships, especially when such lessons are coming from a female writer or psychologist. Women writing about men’s feelings. It’s like me describing what it’s like to be a duck taking his first swim across a pond. I am no duck, so who am I to say? Before you ladies get out a meat cleaver, be aware that I am far from misogynistic in my views. I just think it’s crazy for women to describe the male thought process as much as it’s nuts for a man to fully understand a woman.

But Erica Rossellini, PhD, disagrees. In her book, How to Stroke His Ego While Wearing Evening Gloves, Dr. Rossellini says she has the secret on how any woman can please her man outside of the bedroom. So, right off of jump street, I am puzzled. What does Dr. Rossellini mean by “please”? Is she talking about sex? No! She says on page two, “Pleasing a man begins long before sex.” But she uses the word “please” and “bedroom” in the same sentence. After I read this I couldn’t think straight. I completely had to reread the next paragraph two more times. Hers was a tough book to get through.

Dr Rossellini is the literary equivalent of Sugar Ray Leonard in his prime. Read the rest of this entry »

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There is so much controversy over the God issue these days that people are having seizures in the streets. Evolution or creationism? What is the truth? Who has the best religion? Who can pee the farthest? How was the world created and who done it?

All of this debate forced me to leave the comfort of my small New England summer home and take a trip across the world. After a week of travel I ended up at the foothills of the Himalayas and led to a small hut miles from anywhere. Once in a while I’d see a shepherd or a young fellow pulling at the reins of a water buffalo, but besides this, the area I was in was pretty sparse. I sat in the hut for seven days. I made a nice fire and brought plenty of provisions. It was quite peaceful, really. Anyhow, at last, as promised by my sherpa guide, an old sage appeared at my doorstep bearing yak butter tea and a little drum. His name was Darmya. He told me the secret to the universe in simple words that would make the heads spin of Christians, Jews and Muslims.

Darmya told me the world was created by a guy named Bernie. Some people call him God, but definitely not his wife. Read the rest of this entry »

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You hear so much about how upset people get every time an immigrant group comes into the country and takes over all the jobs. The big complaint is always that they are taking over everything and they don’t want to learn our customs or speak English. Well, I have news for everyone. I recently read a Secret document from the U.S. Government that should send these people into a tailspin. Essentially, the document is talking about using trained chimpanzees to take over a lot of human jobs. I’m not making this up, so if you’re a doorman, a delivery guy or a waiter, you better take note and tighten your belt. Otherwise, you can be replaced by a hairy stand-in named Bonzo.

The document of which I speak is called CWS-02. It stands for Chimpanzee Worker Substitute, and the “02″ stands for 2002, the year in which this document was drafted. The idea is one that was presented to George W. Bush and pushed through without Congressional approval. There was only one little line about it at the back of the Washington Post in which Bush said, “I’m not sure what all is in it, but if it leads to fewer hirers and firers, then it’s good for Americans.”

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The day before yesterday I was sitting on my balcony, computer in hand, sipping a mocha latte cappuchino grande java, a decaf concoction of my own invention, when I came across a blurb about a congressional hearing over rap music. So I clicked on the link and got a glimpse of a truly inspiring notion: that Congress should get a group rate on a labotomy. Lemme splain somethin to yous.

I think our real Congress has been kidnapped and sent to the planet Numbnuts and replaced by what they call walk-ins. Walk-ins are like zombies, but without the disgusting faces, bad breath and vacant look in their eyes. Wait a minute, now that I think about it, there are great similarities. What’s going on with Congress, you may ask? Read the rest of this entry »

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I can’t take any more cute emails. They are no longer cute. They are annoying. You know the ones. A friend sends one to a friend and so on down the line. Then, by the time you get it, there are hundreds of email addresses of friends of friends. You don’t know who they are. You look at some of the names, but you don’t recognize them. How can your friend (the one who sent the email to you) have so many friends you don’t recognize? Is he living a double life? Has he been holding out on you? You start to wonder why you’re not at the top of the list. The whole thing can be very ego-deflating. But I digress as usual. Read the rest of this entry »

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Sure, my headline has a title that is grammatically wrong, but if you stick with this, you will see that it is right in line with the main theme.

I got an email from a Nigerian prince who needs a place to stash his inheritance. It amounts to little more than two million American dollars. Quite a sum and quite enticing. The offer was so good that I decided to study the email and get into its style, word choice and general mood. I wanted to get to know what the emailer was all about and what he wanted to give me as his friend across the wide Atlantic ocean. I was driven to get to the bottom of this strange plea for help in processing an amazing sum of money. Why me of all people? Is this kismet? Has the god of Nigeria at long last decided to shine down upon me? Read the rest of this entry »

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When I was a boy I remember people complaining about the weather. In the summer it was hot and people used to say, “It’s a hot one today,” or “Is it hot enough for you?”

Is there a reason people discuss the weather, or why they complain about the weather? What does this accomplish? Does it take a special type of thinker to be so concerned with the weather, or does everybody get involved in the commentary? I flew to Boston to meet with Harvard professor Julius Q. Endicott, PhD, a psychometeorologist, to talk about the weather.

Dr. Endicott’s office was, to my surprise, very unassuming. As imagined, however, there were ivy-covered towers adjoining the group of 150-year-old offices across from campus where Dr. Endicott was quartered. I found my way between two well-worn brick buildings and entered through a wrought iron gate into a courtyard. If I didn’t know any better, I could have sworn I had entered 1858. Dr. Endicott’s office was on the second floor overlooking the courtyard. Read the rest of this entry »

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It was a couple of years ago, on a Tuesday, that I first heard of bird flu. I was driving in my car listening to Mozart on the radio (not a recent recording, because as you know, Mozart’s been dead for quite some time now). After the musical number, the news came on and the announcer mentioned an outbreak of bird flu. Immediately I turned off the radio and contemplated this broadcast. How sad, I thought, that birds should have the flu. They sit in their nests with the sniffles, their beaks dripping with mucous, throats all scratchy and feathers all achy. They have their wives call into work for them and say they won’t be coming in.

Mrs. Puffin: “That’s right, Mr. Adamsky, Leonard won’t make it to work.”
Mr. Adamsky: “Sad, we were counting on Leonard to make a presentation today.”
Mrs. Puffin: “I know, I know, but he’s frying with a fever and his beak is running.”
Mr. Adamsky: “Alright, I’ll tell you what, Rita, you have Leonard rest up and stay in his nest. We’re expecting him to go on a business trip in October. We’re all flying to Rio de Janiero.”
Mrs. Puffin: “Rio, you say? Not my Leonard! He won’t be flying over those half naked girls with their Brazilian wax jobs! Good day to you, Mr. Adamsky!”

Can a bird get an earache? I’ve never seen a bird’s ears. I guess they have them, because they can sing pretty good.

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