On the local access television station, late at night, you can watch videos of gurus talking to their flocks. These aren’t Indian gurus, they are from other places, and mostly from the USA; some from Wisconsin. I was watching one of these guys last Tuesday night when it dawned on me that it doesn’t seem to take much to just put up a shingle and say you’re a guru. There is a common thread to what they teach and how they talk. You too can become a guru with a little know-how and by putting your imagination to the grindstone, so to speak.

How do they talk, these gurus? If you want to be a guru, you need to know. They speak like they are a cross between a robot and a mental patient, not to demean mental patients. And they have a look in their eyes that is distant yet psychotic. On their faces they wear a plastic smile as if everything they are saying is brilliant and wise. They also speak in a monotone voice, very measured, not because they want to hypnotize you, but because they are insane.

Unlike Indian gurus, with names like Kirpal, Singh, or Sobar, the Americanized versions have names you’d find on the tram in Disneyworld, like Billy or Harold or Jimmy. And they’ve got all the answers. You know why? Because they make them up. People ask them stuff as if they can answer any question about anything. They do, but none of it is verifiable. Here is one conversation I heard:

Guy in Audience (GA): Sri Harold (sri is an Indian word for sir, or mister), what is life like after death?

Harold: You go through a tunnel, look for the light, then a guy is waiting for you at the other side with a cheese sandwich and a map. If you want the details, read my book.
GA: And we go to heaven?

Harold (smiling smugly): Goodness no. We come back into a new incarnation over and over again until we become perfected like me.

GA: How can I become perfected like you?

Harold: By listening closely to me and sending me money and getting other converts. Hang a picture of me all over your house, this will help you become perfected. I will walk into your dream and guide you through difficult times. But remember, if things don’t go well for you, don’t blame me because it’s your karma. I know this may sound like a contradiction, but that’s because you are stupid and I am the Guru.

GA: I heard you say last week that life is just a wheel and we are all on the outer edges trying to get to the center.

Harold: Yes. We must get to the center of the wheel so we don’t get flung off and end up with karma. That is all the questions from you. Your light is out now.

Make shit up and you can be a great guru. I think that if you are a sociopath you would do quite well at the job. That way you can lie at will, not care if you are deceiving people and you can be gainfully employed without doing any real work. Almost like being a Congressman.

The key to the whole system is that your devoted followers never check your facts, question your motives or care that you are a major loon. It’s a perfect fit. If you are one of these gurus, you can say, for instance, that you are a spritual master on another plane and have guided many great historical figures in their quests. I heard one of these gurus in a conversation about just this:

GA: So, Sri Harold, you are saying that you were there guiding Columbus when he came to America?

Harold: Yes, Columbus was a great man. And a smart dresser.

GA: But history has proven that Columbus was a genocidal maniac.

Harold: Who told you that?

GA: Historians who have delved into the life of Columbus. Scholars from Cambridge, Harvard and Princeton.

Harold: They are getting karma for this. Columbus was my friend. He once asked me for twenty dollars and a cupcake before going to Queen Elizabeth for permission to go to the New World.

GA: Queen Elizabeth? I don’t think so. It was Queen Isabella.

Harold: Next question!

If you are one of these New Age gurus you have to be an expert on your own concocted cosmology of the spiritual worlds. If you are not sure how to do this, it is perfectly permissible to steal the writings and ideas of others. This is okay because you can always use the excuse that you didn’t actually plagiarize, but you went to a library on the astral plane and found the information there. This way, you can lay claim to the Gettysburg Address, the Magna Carta and the Victoria Secret catalog. So, to be a guru, you just get some books, open them up, scan them into your laptop, put your own name on the manuscript and then get published. Again, if you’re a sociopath, you should have no problem doing this.

Oh, and don’t worry about being outlandish, because modern-day gurus are more successful proportionately to the outlandishness of their claims. Here are some examples:

• I can not only walk on water, but I can tap dance.
• I don’t just believe in God, I AM God.
• Jesus was my high school friend.
• If attacked, I can fight anybody just using my internal energy.
• I teach the Dali Lama how to be spiritual in private sessions every Wednesday at noon.
• I can turn up my energy and make people vomit when they come too close.
• I can make a dead person come to life, pay off his mortgage then eat a whole lemon without making a face.
• I can fly in my spirit body and take you to a special place that has nice music and a smoking lounge.

I almost forgot a major ingredient. If you’re going to be a guru, you need to have a chant. Om is already taken, so you need your own. Try something like Mu. Like the sound a cow would make. Sing muuuuuu to yourself and you will feel your whole body fill with the joy of a thousand suns. How does that sound? If you’re in a room with all your followers, you can have them all sing the monosyllabic word together until you have a symphony. I call this a “concert of wackjobs,” but you can probably think of a nicer term. The purpose of the word is to bring everybody back to the divine presence, which is actually a trinity of holiness that includes God, the guru and the guy with the cheese sandwich.

You may think this little article comes with a warning, like “Stay away from these self-proclaimed gurus.” No, I don’t feel this way. I think if you believe what somebody is telling you despite your common sense, then you get what you deserve. I’ll go out on a limb here when I say that if you yourself want to become a guru, you should do some research on cults, because there are literally hundreds of these organizations and their crazed leaders all over the internet. Watch them on youtube; study them closely. They think they are clever, but they’re a dime a dozen. And one last tip: learn how to sit without blinking, smile at inappropriate times, stare like you’re trying to burn a hole in a steel wall, and let your imagination go wild. Throw in a little truth here and there so you can’t be accused of constantly lying. Your best devotees will be those most ignorant on the workings of the human mind, psychology, history, culture and world mythology. This includes most people, so your potential for profit is huge. Good luck, work hard and I hope to see you on my local public access TV channel some time soon.

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