I wish I could include a couple of Disney drawings to illustrate this article, but alas, I fear they would send me to the hoosegow for copyright infringement. The big companies are very down on using their depictions even in the interest of science, which this article clearly is…

The title of this article, as you may have noted, is Can A Mouse Own A Dog? Is this such an unreasonable question? I submit to you the idea that Disney’s Mickey Mouse owns a dog named Pluto. And so we have the unique situation wherein a mouse has a dog as a pet. Now think about this: Mickey would either have to be the biggest mouse in the history of the earth, or Pluto would have to be the size of a small radish. Which is it?

I have often seen, in books and films, Mickey Mouse taking Pluto for a walk. Mickey has complete control over the leash, and Pluto looks pretty strong. Mickey speaks in a very high, squeaky voice, which one veterinarian told me, “sounds to a dog like a metal ball thrown into a steel drum.” Poor dog. Poor us, listening to this squeaky voice. The original Mickey voice, by the way, was done by Disney himself. If you are taking enough drugs, you can thoroughly enjoy listening to Mickey speak in the movie Steamboat Willie. It’s fun entertainment for the whole family, but put your dog outside where it’s safe for his ears.

How did Disney come up with the idea of a mouse owning a dog? How did he achieve acceptance for this outlandish act that makes biologists stand on their heads in an effort to bring more blood to their brains to figure out the conundrum? A mouse with a dog as a pet? Preposterous! I’ve been thinking about this for years and have not yet come up with an explanation.

I recently did what I’ve done so often in the past to get to the bottom of difficult questions. I visited the office of Sir Winston Freedrickle, Cambridge. He told me:

“You see, my boy, the simple truth is that this mouse is taking the first step toward enlightenment and social upward movement. He is a credit to his race, like the first homo sapien to pick up a stone and exclaim, ‘Fire!!!’ If we know anything about mice, we know that they are always involved in scientific experiments. Among other things, this has made them extremely bright. Intelligent, you might say. Intelligent enough to realize that dogs can be domesticated. Hence, Mickey owns Pluto. A mouse has a dog. Quite amusing, if you ask me. Turn of the table and all that.”

Well, Professor Freedrickle may have hit the nail on the head, or he may have been hit in the head by a nail. A hundred years of scientific experimentation and the mice end up smart enough to own dogs. Okay, I can go with that. Perhaps. But how can you explain the fact that Goofy is also a dog, but doesn’t own any animals at all? Yet, he drives a car, has fingers, has children, albeit in need of an orthodontist, and owns a house. Goofy, as far as I know, has not been involved in any scientific experiments. If he was ever called to participate, I’m sure he’d be rejected on account of being mentally unsound. If Goofy was named today, he would be called Wackjob or Nutball. He’s a disgrace to fine dogs everywhere. I’ve never seen him chase a ball, beg for food or even lick himself in inappropriate places.

I hate to say this, but I am starting to wonder whether Walt Disney was dipping in the rum before dipping his brush in the ink.

Out of all the names, why did Mickey name his dog after a planet? Again, I turned to Professor Freedrickle for an answer. He said:

“Pluto the dog is named after a planet. Unusual? I think not. There is Moon Zappa, the Roman God Mars, and Venus de Milo, the statue, a car named Saturn. Shall I continue? My own dog is named Earth. Right now he is suffering from global warming, but the vet said it’s quite normal due to the amount of emissions coming from my house. In the 1970s, the Miami Dolphins had a running back named Mercury Morris. Planets make good names. Get over it and pass the crumpets.”

Oh, yeah, another thing that’s been on my mind. Why is it that Donald Duck can barely speak above a quack, yet his nephews Hewy Dewy and Lewy are very well spoken? They can even sing. He has nephews, but who is their mother? Does Donald have a brother or sister we don’t know about? Can his sister speak or is she also quack-ridden? What kind of school do the nephews go to? They seem very industrious and don’t get in nearly as much trouble as the Chipmunks or the Animaniacs.

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