There is so much controversy over the God issue these days that people are having seizures in the streets. Evolution or creationism? What is the truth? Who has the best religion? Who can pee the farthest? How was the world created and who done it?

All of this debate forced me to leave the comfort of my small New England summer home and take a trip across the world. After a week of travel I ended up at the foothills of the Himalayas and led to a small hut miles from anywhere. Once in a while I’d see a shepherd or a young fellow pulling at the reins of a water buffalo, but besides this, the area I was in was pretty sparse. I sat in the hut for seven days. I made a nice fire and brought plenty of provisions. It was quite peaceful, really. Anyhow, at last, as promised by my sherpa guide, an old sage appeared at my doorstep bearing yak butter tea and a little drum. His name was Darmya. He told me the secret to the universe in simple words that would make the heads spin of Christians, Jews and Muslims.

Darmya told me the world was created by a guy named Bernie. Some people call him God, but definitely not his wife.

The yak butter tea was terrible. Have you ever had this stuff to drink? Trust me, it’s bitter and hard to swallow, “a lot like religious dogma,” he told me. I laughed and he poured me another cup. I asked Darmya to tell me more about this God named Bernie.

Bernie is not a God, Darmya said. Bernie is the guy who created the universe. Everything you see. Including that broken down bicycle over there. It took Bernie one week, not including Tuesday. On that day he had to wait for parts. And Bernie has quite the sense of humor. Once he pulled a chair out from under King Saul. They’re still laughing about that one!

My curiosity was piqued because what Darmya was telling me flew in the face of convention. I had never heard of Bernie. I pressed Darmya for more information and he was eager to explain things. He spoke quickly and I took notes on my laptop until my battery died. I was told that Bernie liked chicken soup, but not too salty. He also can’t stand prayers. Praying is not necessary, Bernie used to say. “If things are the way they are supposed to be, then prayer is futile. If you can change them by prayer, then you could go around praying day and night. There’s no end to it. You’d lose all your friends and have to move to Colorado Springs.”

Darmya loved to quote Bernie. He was quite versed. I pressed Darmya for a description of Bernie and was told that Bernie, who does not like to be referred to as the Supreme Being, is about five-six, has a bald spot, a kind face, is a little overweight and is quick to laugh. Essentially, he looks like a mixture of Italian-Jewish with some Spanish and a hint of Dutch. Bernie has big forearms from years of yard work.

This was interesting enough, but what about the religious questions about how the world was created and miracles and all that. I wanted to know more, I told Darmya. This is what I traveled across Tibet to discover.

ME: Tell me more about Bernie and the Universe. I want the details, if you please. Don’t hold back.
DARMYA: You are young, but I will try to impart my wisdom.
ME: Bless you. No more tea please, it tastes like you got it out of the wrong end of the water buffalo.
DARMYA: Bernie made the earth and the sea and the mountains and the plains.
ME: Did he make the rivers?
DARMYA: Let’s just say he made everything, otherwise this conversation’s gonna last forever, and I have a colonoscopy scheduled for noon. Bernie was a genius. Ten thousand years ago he made man out of the rib of a pig. Just three years later he made a woman out of the rib of the man. Bernie liked ribs. In fact, one of his first inventions was the barbecue.
ME: What about science and evolution and the fact that you can walk into any museum and see fossils and bones that are many millions of years old? What about the findings of Leaky and homo erectus and such?
DARMYA: These things of which you speak are unfamiliar to me. I will have to travel in my soul body to the astral museum to look it up.
ME: Before you do that, tell me more.
DARMYA: Right. Okay, well, there were the Amorites and the Hittites and the Stalagtites. They all got into a terrible war and the Israelites won. I think the score was 3 to 1, but don’t quote me on this. The Israelites were eventually take as slaves then fled Egypt on a flotilla. Two days later they arrived in Miami Beach. Real estate prices escalated, but I get ahead of myself.
ME: What of virgin birth and resurrection?
DARMYA: I’m not familiar with these. How can you have a birth from a virgin? And what is resurrection? You die you die. That’s it. Like a fish in a boat. It’s over, kaput.
ME: What became of Bernie?
DARMYA: Well, this is the amazing thing. Bernie invested very wisely. He made some good choices earlier on, so he was able to retire with his second wife, Pearl, just last year. His first wife died of cancer, but I don’t like to talk about this. It breaks my heart. Anyhow, Bernie is retired and nobody is running the show. That’s why things are fucked up, excuse my French.
ME: Did he leave us with a savior?
DARMYA: Of course he did! You think Bernie was stupid? He sent us Al Gore. And also Jonathan Ames who is not a savior, but was sent for comic relief. Nowadays Bernie plays a round of golf twice a week and lives in the Rockies on oceanfront property.
ME: There’s no ocean in the Rockies.
DARMYA: Not yet, but if Bernie says there will be, I believe him. In fact, I believe in anything he says. Anything. I don’t care much for science, technology, history, psychology or philosophy. These things get in the way of my beliefs.

With this, Darmya stood up, brushed the dirt off his ass and headed for the door. I was dumbfounded. I traveled across the world for this. You can imagine how I felt. Now I don’t know what to believe. Was the world created by a guy named Bernie or what?

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