You hear so much about how upset people get every time an immigrant group comes into the country and takes over all the jobs. The big complaint is always that they are taking over everything and they don’t want to learn our customs or speak English. Well, I have news for everyone. I recently read a Secret document from the U.S. Government that should send these people into a tailspin. Essentially, the document is talking about using trained chimpanzees to take over a lot of human jobs. I’m not making this up, so if you’re a doorman, a delivery guy or a waiter, you better take note and tighten your belt. Otherwise, you can be replaced by a hairy stand-in named Bonzo.

The document of which I speak is called CWS-02. It stands for Chimpanzee Worker Substitute, and the “02″ stands for 2002, the year in which this document was drafted. The idea is one that was presented to George W. Bush and pushed through without Congressional approval. There was only one little line about it at the back of the Washington Post in which Bush said, “I’m not sure what all is in it, but if it leads to fewer hirers and firers, then it’s good for Americans.”

Here is an excerpt of CWS-02 that I found most alarming…

In case of a government strike, labor strike, union strike, or act of war, the United States Government has in place five thousand trained chimpanzees to act as a surrogate work force. Another 50,000 stand in Reserves, trained and ready to join their brethern in 65 days. Paid only with coconuts and bananas, this force would allow the Government to recover from the financial burden of salaries, insurance, withholding and vacation pay. Trained surrogates shall be released under IMTs (Interim Manager Trainers) for immediate labor. This program will ensure against any potential loss of production, protecting the GNP and preventing destabilization of the economy.

Just what we need! I think this whole idea is absurd. Sure, I have said in the past that a chimpanzee would make a better waiter than 90 percent of any servers I’ve ever had. And that chimpanzees just don’t complain about menial labor the same way a 40-year-old steelworker does about his aching back. But this is going too far. I was basically kidding. This is 2007 and these kinds of things shouldn’t happen. Especially not in America. Just think of the consequences of this. You think service and bureaucracy is bad NOW, just wait until a bunch of primates start trying to do math at cash registers. It’s hard enough to get a cashier to make exact change as it is. As I see it, here are some of the repercussions that will surely come out of the so-called CWS-02:

1. Movie theaters. You go to the theater with your spouse or friend or whatever and get up to the front of the ticket line. You say, for example, “Two adults for Mr. Bean.” What happens next? The monkey starts baring his teeth and flapping his gums and jumping on the counter. You give him your money and he eats it. Yeah, he eats it. So where’s the proof now that you even gave him any money? There’s a line of angry people behind you filing all the way around the block and the monkey doesn’t care. You have to yell at him to get the manager. And who comes out? You guessed it, another Bonzo. I’m not going to the movies any more. I’m getting a big screen television and will have to wait until movies come to DVD.
2. You go to the doctor’s and have a rather embarrassing health problem. You are in the waiting room and holding your hand over your crotch. You walk up to the little window. It slides open and there is a chimpanzee dressed in a nurse’s uniform. You have to whisper your problem to the little animal and she hands you a clipboard but of course doesn’t give you any instructions, so you take it back to your seat and do your best to fill it out. But when there’s a question you can’t answer, you can’t even ask anyone for help. This would be especially bad if you were suffering from diarrhea or a bladder problem or something.
3. You want to build a house, and up pulls a truck with literally 75 chimpanzees dressed in tool belts and hard hats. In one minute they are climbing up the walls, onto the roof, over scaffolding and flinging their poop at you from the top of the chimney. After four hours they haven’t even managed to put a single nail in an asphalt shingle. They open up their lunch boxes and produce a banana and a cup of hot coffee then they refuse to come down when the work whistle blows. Now what do you do? You have to find somebody to get a ladder and chase them down. Otherwise, you’ll never get the tile laid or the walls erected. Chimpanzees should not be doing construction. They are overqualified.
4. You wake up in the morning with a terrible lumbar problem. You barely make it to your car and hobble into the massage therapist’s office. You take off all your clothes and lay down under the sheets on a massage table. Five minutes later a chimpanzee comes in and starts rubbing your back with his hairy knuckles. I won’t say anything more except that if you have half a brain you won’t roll over onto your back.

So the CWS-02 is supposed to “protect” us? I don’t think so. It will just create more hate for a new breed of minority. Do you want chimpanzee children to sit in the same classroom with your kids, or to be your little Melissa’s best friend? Test scores will go down. Also, your kid won’t be able to compete in Physical Education. Have you ever seen a primate on an obstacle course? Not even funny. It’s like a tornado in a cornfield; up over the rope ladder, up the rope with one hand a prehensile foot and to the finish line while your little Barry or Jason is still tripping over the tires.

Do you want to wear a hat designed by a knuckle-dragging bag of fur with the teeth of a 1970s British commoner? Think of all the bad influence that will ensue. Your children will get into trouble by association. They will be climbing trees against their better judgment and pulling pranks. Chimpanzees are wont to climb onto your curtains and swing across the room. You want this to happen in your house while you’re trying to entertain clients over cocktails?

I am not a prejudiced guy, but if this CWS-02 goes into effect, chimps will be trained as firemen, fighter pilots and police (you know, they are twice as strong as Arnold Schwarzennegger!). They will run the whole show within a decade. That’s the end of art and culture, too, unless you’re fond of the amateurish scribbling of Coco the Gorilla. That’s not really art; it’s luck with colors. Opera? Gone. Lattes? Gone (chimps don’t like milk, so you don’t get any either). Ladders? A thing of the past. The fashion industry? Ruined.

I’m not looking forward to it. CWS-02 may appeal to this current Administration, but I can say without any reservation that I am a hundred percent against it. Chimpanzees just don’t take anything serious, they are sloppy, they don’t have any work ethic, and they are pushy. That’s all I’m saying on the matter.

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