I have mixed feelings about Dr. Seuss. Who was he? We should all know this answer, because for decades he has influenced the mental picture of America’s youth. He introduced us to green eggs and ham, a cat that causes more problems than he resolves, and dogs that drive cars. It’s all very strange for a doctor to have presented these things to us. I think he gave me mental problems; he scarred me emotionally with his strange books.

I did a little research. Dr. Seuss, as it turns out, is not his real name. He is hiding behind a mispronounced nom de plume. He was born Theodor Seuss Geisel in 1904. By 1925 Geisel was attending Dartmouth and writing for the school newspaper. Then he made a big mistake. He threw a big party with lots of drinks and violated the Prohibition laws. The university said he had to resign from all extra-curricular activities. This bummed him out, so to get around it, he started back to work under the pen name Seuss (which, by the way, rhymes with the word “voice,” not “juice.” So it should be pronounced Dr. Zoiss, because it’s German in origin.) The Seuss name was his first projection into the world of fanciful words.

I think Seuss has a nice ring to it. I like it whether it rhymes with Zooss or it rhymes with Zoiss. I like this name in a car and a boat, in a train, in a goat. I like this doctor and his silly words. I like his books and lack of verbs. His… Oh, what am I doing now?

So, Teddy Geisel was busted for serving green and blue drinks while Elliot Ness and the boys at the FBI were busting up kegs of beer with hatchets across town. He violated Prohibition; that shows you what kind of wild and crazy guy he was.

Eventually Theodore Geisel went on to grad school and earned a PhD in literature and then made himself Seuss the doctor. Dr. Seuss.

History is a bit foggy from here, but I’m thinking something went crazy. His rhymes, his drawings, his story lines. They are all a bit off. This is why I prefer Go Dog, Go! to the others — it’s the best of all his books. It’s the most realistic. Sure, dogs are driving cars, wearing fancy hats and picnicking under umbrellas and shade trees. But at least we recognize them as dogs. Red, blue, yellow and green labradors. The same thing cannot be said about the Grinch or the Green Eggs & Ham character. What the hell is it? The character looks like an alley cat that stuck its tail in an electrical outlet. The static electricity has given him a permanent bad hair day.

Speaking of Dr. Seuss and cats, where did the Cat in the Hat get that hat? It is highly unusual. Can you imagine if Abraham Lincoln had that same top hat with red and white stripes? You can’t command respect with such a hat, and I think this was the foundation of all the troubles he got himself into. The Cat in the Hat is just plain frustrating. Those two kids should have kicked his ass to the curb after the first incident in the bathtub. You can’t trust cats, especially with striped hats.

Wikipedia says: In May 1954, Life magazine published a report on illiteracy among school children, which concluded that children were not learning to read because their books were boring. Accordingly, Seuss’s publisher made up a list of 400 words he felt were important and asked Dr. Seuss to cut the list to 250 words and write a book using only those words. Nine months later, Seuss, using 220 of the words given to him, completed The Cat in the Hat. Was he successful with the assignment? You tell me. Instead of learning the vocabulary, I got stuck on the green eggs. I obsessed about them. How long have eggs been sitting in the back of the fridge before they turned green. And who in his right mind would eat green eggs, with or without ham? And who is Sam? He spoke like he had dyslexia: Sam I am. No wonder I’m dyslexic. I blame Seuss Doctor.

Dr. Seuss was not all there, if you ask me. His contribution to literature is quite faddish and shaky. Vocabulary aside, I can’t imagine why parents and educators alike use Seuss’ books as reading primers. Look what they’ve done. Here’s a typical conversation I heard between a mother and her elementary school kid with Green Eggs and Ham tucked into his backpack.

Mom: Would you like something to eat, Elmer?
Elmer: What you have to give me I don’t want. I’ll not eat a thing til I turn gaunt.
Mom: How about some peanut butter and jelly?
Elmer: You can spread it on a loaf of bread or smear the stuff upon my head, but I won’t eat a single bite. I won’t eat it every night.
Mom: What the hell is wrong with you? What are you talking about?
Elmer: I’m pasting junk food to my lips. My diet consists of pop and chips.
Mom: Okay, Elmer, no more Dr. Seuss. Hand over that book, right now, Mister! I mean it! Wait til your father gets home!
Elmer: My father won’t be home to scold me. Daddy’s banging Mrs. Oldfield.

Still, you can see what sort of mayhem this Seuss guy has caused. Kids are annoying enough without loading them full of bad puns and silly rhymes. I would suggest saving Dr. Seuss books for college; no sooner than junior year. These books should be optional reading in Sociology courses, maybe following on the heels of a lesson or two about the hazards of taking illicit drugs or drinking to the point of visitations by pink elephants, talking cats and green dachshunds.

And while I’m at it, I’d like to know how exactly the Grinch stole Christmas, why he had no interest in Chanukah and who the idiots are who keep letting these beasts into their homes.

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