I’d like to delve a little into the idea of demonic possession because it weighs heavy on the minds of many people, and I’d like to be the one to put some balm on the festering fear.

The idea of possession by demons is very old. It goes all the way back to the beginning of early man and his civilization. “Very” early man (also known as cave man) had no such thing as demonic possession. He was too busy running from predatory animals. It wasn’t until man evolved into a social creature with a fairly sophisticated language that demonic possession became popular. At this stage in human history, man began to become obsessed with the unseen world. He woke up one day, yawned, stretched, took a leak in the bushes, then realized he didn’t know all there was to know.

There have always been shamans (or is it “shamen”?) in neo-primitive societies. The shaman is the character who is best suited to address problems of the unknown. The practicality of having a shaman could not be underestimated. It was a relief to have questions answered so one could get on with his day, whether that meant chasing buffalo, picking fruit off of high branches or napping while using a medium sized rock as a pillow. The shaman could answer questions such as where babies come from, which plants cannot be eaten, and what to do about a mother-in-law who refuses to listen to reason. The shaman could also help women convince their mates to carry heavy things and take a bath once a month.

Below we listen in on the average ancient man to illustrate the value of the shaman…

Grog: What happens after we die?
Shaman: We don’t move.
Grog: Why not?
Shaman: Not sure.

Notice below how, in several thousand years, this conversation progressed and how the shaman was able to more fully provide answers of value:

Smod: What happens after we die?
Shaman: Who wants to know?
Smod: Me and the guys were wondering.
Shaman: After you die your body is taken by the Seven Forces then your Spirit is removed by Gorflek through your nose and scattered over the sea. After three moons you return to earth as a cleaning woman.
Smod: Elbosh is acting strangely.
Shaman: I can see in my middle eye that Elbosh is possessed by a demon.
Smod; I don’t see a middle eye.
Shaman: That’s because it’s invisible. Don’t question me, I am a priest.
Smod: Is it in your hair?
Shaman: It’s in the middle of my forehead, but I warn you thrice not to question me.
Smod: That was twice, not thrice.
Shaman: That does it!

We glimpse ever so slightly from the aforementioned that demonic possession existed way back then. We also glean that the shaman is aware of such possession and has already developed a system of exorcism, though crude at best. Due to the evolution of his profession, he’s on top of things, as revealed in this interesting exchange somewhere in Asia Minor:

Nebek: I think I have a stomach ache.
Zellamay (the Shaman): Let’s take a listen. Breathe in…now out…aha…now in again. Just as I thought.
Nebek: What is it?
Zellamay: There’s a small demon living in your belly.
Nebek: A demon?
Zellamay: And possibly a goat, but I could be wrong.
Nebek: I have to sit down. This is bad news. I was going on vacation tomorrow.
Zellamay: Where are you going?
Nebek: The wife and I were going to Crete.
Zellamay: Wonderful. My wife and I went there last summer. It’s wonderful, but don’t eat the shellfish.
Nebek: How serious is this demon thing?
Zellamay: Don’t worry. We can pull it out with these. (Zellamay produces what looks like some sort of over-sized pliers and a pail.)
Nebek: I don’t know about this. What if it’s just a little gas?
Zellamay (can’t stop laughing) Gas? Gas? You don’t know very much. Let me tell you. A small demon is living inside of you. He’s causing you to act abnormally. (He hits Nebek in the head with the pail). Are you seeing stars?
Nebek: Yes, because you just whacked me with that pail.
Zellamay (jotting down notes): Here, take this to the apothecary. In the next three days I want you to repeat these words: “In the name of Moldor, get thee out of my insides!” Then eat this. (Nebek goes to the apothecary, picks up a handful of yellow herbs mashed into a ball and swallows it whole).

In our little story, Nebek eats the herb at about 10 in the morning, and by 10:15 he is dead as a rock. Everyone is delighted. Nebek no longer complains of stomach problems and the shaman is justly rewarded with gold and myrrh. Plus there’s a parade that lasts from sundown until the following Thursday. Four virgins lose their virginity, one teenage boy is carried away by a wolf and an elderly fisherman named Poolett has gone missing.

That brings us to the present. Demonic possession is still a problem, but not what it used to be. Thanks to modern science, the methods for getting rid of demons are much more sophisticated. Basically, a priest comes to your house, makes you lie down on the bed, has some relatives (usually fat ones) sit on you, then he utters some words in Latin. When you start thrashing about, that means the demon is coming to a boil. If the priest is any good at all, he will remove the demon by demanding that it not only fly out through your ass, but also pay any overdue parking tickets.

I can’t begin to tell you how far religious practices have come over the millennia. Spontaneous combustion is down by 24 percent. And, outside of a few rainforest shamans, most exorcists have abandoned the practice of dancing around the possessed and urinating on his feet. I mention these things because demonic possession is not something you should wait on. If you feel as though a small demon, or even a space alien, is living inside of you, get immediate help. Most of these things can now be done on an outpatient basis.

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