I am reminded of the joke wherein a guy complains to his doctor that his father thinks he’s a chicken. The doctor asks, “Why don’t you get him help?” to which the guy replies, “Because we need the eggs.”

This, my friends, is strange logic. I have a hunch that 90 percent of all hermits are people who have been driven crazy by strange logic. They have chosen to live alone rather than to be exposed to it any more. On my book shelf is a book about Chinese hermits who live high in the mountains near cliffs, in caves and on promontories. When you look at the photos you are awe-struck as to how anybody could even reach one of these abodes on the Yellow Mountain, let alone how octogenarians thrive in these secluded places mired in mist and mystery. My theory is that these people heard just one too many statements such as “The Internet is a series of tubes.”

Now I bring you to the world of cults. Why? Because cults are gold-medal-winners of the “strange logic contest.” The problem is that most people aren’t trained to recognize this kind of rhetoric when confronted by it, so they fall for it hook, line and stinker each and every time, era after era in every corner of the globe. And you know what? People have been falling for strange logic since the beginning of time. I bring you to the year 320 BCE in a little fishing village near Athens. A conversation takes place between Androgenes and Calcules, two highly educated members of the upper class. They sit on the edge of a grassy knoll overlooking the Aegean:

Androgenes: “I have come from Visiones, the seer. He told me that today the sea will ebb and flow.”
Calcules: “Fascinating. What else?”
Androgenes: “I am revealing to you now that I am a member of the Secret Society. Further, the seer said that he can fly into the invisible worlds and speak to the gods. In fact, he has a weekly meeting where they all get together and look at pictures of nymphs sitting on rocks. They also decide the fate of their followers and protect them with their inner power.”
Calcules: “I want in on that.”
Androgenes: “Sorry, you can’t. You have to be seen by the seer and chosen by the Nine Silent Ones.”
Calcules: “Seen by the seer? The Nine??”
Androgenes: “It’s a cooperative of nine highly esteemed inner masters who guide you through the inner planes. They are selected by the gods on the basis of wisdom, knowledge and a swimsuit competition.”
Calcules: “Where is the proof that this even exists?”
Androgenes: “If you can imagine it, then it is real. That’s the whole secret to it. Your imagination is the key. It unlocks the door to the inner worlds. There are five major ones and a few that have no dimension. It’s beyond knowing and understanding.”
Calcules: “Then how do you know it exists?”
Androgenes: “I EXPERIENCED it.”
Calcules: “What if I imagine that you are a pig and that the Nine Silent Ones are herring salesmen and that I am the king of the gods?”
Androgenes: “Then that would be blasphemy and you will burn in an eternal volcanic pit and your ears eaten by seals.”
Calcules: “Wow, that sounds real and bad. How can I join your secret society?”
Androgenes: “Pay me 17 drachmas and slay four of your sheep.”
Calcules: “I won’t slay my sheep, and I want to know where my money is going. Is this an upright organization?”
Androgenes: “The money isn’t important, it’s just a sign that you are committed. Forget about the sheep. I was just kidding about the sheep. But not about the money. Are you in or out?”
Calcules: “I’m in. Definitely. What do I do next?”
Androgenes: “Look for a sign. Any sign. When you see the sign, you know that is really a contact from the Large One, the boss of the Nine Silent Ones. The Large One also goes by the name of The Ocean of Mercy and Mutton. He comes to us in dreams. Dreams are real. Reality is not real. Reels are used for fishing, but in the future when they are invented. Inventions are imagination manifested. Are you getting this down?”
Calcules: “Move aside, I’m going to jump off the cliff. Better yet, I’m going to push you off. My imagination is telling me to do this, so it was nice talking to you. See you in the inner worlds.”

There you have it. The makings of cult logic. Strange logic. Now, you wouldn’t think people would fall for this kind of stuff, but they do. As we drive to work worrying about things like our children’s welfare, the state of our planet, global warming, political corruption and the high cost of electricity, there are others who are concerned with whether their pollen allergy is caused by bad karma. Science is not important to these kinds of people, which is why they are immune to logic. You can only reason with them to a certain degree before their heads start to swell before excusing themselves and walking away with the notion that you are an unenlightened being to be pitied. You haven’t experienced the oneness of the Universe.

By the way, if you want to see a New Age spiritual master, go to youtube.com and take your pick. They go by the names of Harold, Dabi, Dubi, Kim Jong, Lilly and Lovebutton. They all look and sound like wind-up goofballs whose measured speech is a cure for somnabulists the world over. They have plastic, arrogant smiles, mocked calmness, screwy (piercing) gazes and the kind of inner happiness only a nutball can have when he/she knows that you’re handing over your mind, body and dollar bills. Anyone who doesn’t do this “just doesn’t get it.”

Here are some very real things that people believe. Many of these “people” are your neighbors, fellow citizens, guys standing online next to you in the grocery store, actors, computer technicians, nurses and candle salesmen. They believe:

• All dreams are real. Reality is a dream. There is no reality.
• All bad stuff that happens to you is your own damn fault.
• There are invisible worlds that only people of a higher consciousness may enter due to good karma.
• Nothing is real except bad stuff.
• Fragments of alien beings inhabit our bodies.
• Tom Cruise is the Jesus of our modern era.
• Jesus predicted the coming of Tom Cruise, and in a still-undiscovered manuscript, wrote a scathing review of Risky Business and The Last Samurai.
• All great figures from history were secretly members of secret societies.
• Peter the Great was great.
• Alexander the Great was great.
• The Great Lakes are not great; they are just okay.
• There is another world inside the core of the earth. Once in a while a rocket shoots out of the center of the earth through the top of the North Pole.
• You can fly if you put your mind to it.
• You can walk through a wall if you will yourself to do it.
• On the other side of the moon is a golf course and a country club run by Druids.
• There are spiritual masters who live in our world. If you were standing next to one in the checkout lane you would melt and your shoes would turn into raisins.
• Life began 5000 years ago.
• There are spiritual masters living on earth who are 550 years old. One of them lives in a hut in Tibet at 20,000 feet. He is Tibetan, but looks like he’s from Venezuela. He is immune to sub-zero temperatures and wears sandals.
• Psychics can tell the future but they won’t play the lottery because to make money on their psychic powers would be a violation of “spiritual law,” yet they WILL take your money for psychic readings, seminars, television appearances and other sorts of “services.”
• Dr. Phil came here on an alien spacecraft that landed in the remote backwoods country of Tennessee for refueling. Alien spacecraft are fueled by possum stew.
• An uneducated, psychopathic liar from Kentucky was once the God-man. Before dying, he passed his secret society onto a former mental patient who now lives in Minnesota.

The amazing thing is that there is absolutely NO proof for any of these claims (other than the one about Dr. Phil), and the claims originally emanated from the warped imaginations of the warped individual who started these warped thoughts in motion.

The moral of the story is that we can’t stop people from believing in weird things, but we can only hope and pray to some invisible force that the guy representing us in Washington or the one teaching our children the ABCs, is not by night, humming mantras to a framed photo of The Living Silent Master. Strange logic converts the already strange notion of Descartes’ “I think therefore I am” into something like “I think, therefore I can light my ass on fire and propel myself at a blinding speed to the planet Moron.”

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