Paris Hilton. What does she do? Where do her talents lie? Who cares? I certainly don’t. But every time I log onto the net, there she is with her blonde hair and that expression on her face that says, “I love water; it’s so shiny.” And the media loves her to pieces. Such vacuous news is one of the reasons I stopped watching television altogether.

From the looks of it, Paris Hilton is very, very important. News about Paris overshadows other news, like major oil spills that turn our oceans into dead zones, bombs blowing up children across the sea, big corporations saying their foods are organic when they’re not, what’s happening with the Enron investigation and how Al Gore is changing the world for the better.

Instead of news, we get Paris Hilton highlights. I think maybe the biggest attraction is for stupid people who can now say, “One day I can be famous and on television. I’m just as brite as Paris, and gosh darnet, I’m juts as pretty.”

That leads me to wonder about the value of fame. Why do people want to be famous? Why do they want to emulate the famous? Why do they want so much attention for no good reason? Why does Paris Hilton deserve any fame at all? Einstein made all the papers because he was a fricken genius. Hank Aaron knocked baseballs out of the stadium. John Glenn sat in a rocket and was launched into space. Lincoln wrote the Gettysburg Address. Gandhi freed millions of his people from British oppression. These are very interesting achievements. But Paris Hilton? What’s the deal? What has she done?

Is our society so dumbed down that someone the likes of Paris Hilton is deemed interesting? She’s not even a Scientologist, for God’s sake! I say give her a cooking show and see if she can make a cake.

The only thing I’m impressed by is her name. I like it. It’s a good name, I have to give her that. But even this is not of her own device. She was named by her parents after a very popular city the likes of which I bet she couldn’t even find on a map. And her last name. Everyone has heard of Hilton. It’s a hotel chain. I wonder if there is a Hilton hotel in Paris. If Paris Hilton wanted to stay at that hotel, would she call up and have this conversation?…

PARIS HILTON: “Hi. Okay, I want to stay at your place.”
JACQUE DUBOIS, MANAGER OF HILTON HOTEL IN PARIS: “You mean you want a reservation?”
PARIS HILTON: “No thank you. I just want to book a room.”
JACQUE DUBOIS: “And your name is?”
PARIS HILTON: “Paris Hilton.”
JACQUE DUBOIS: “Oui, this is the Paris Hilton.”
PARIS HILTON: “What?”
JACQUE DUBOIS: “You have reached the Paris Hilton.”
PARIS HILTON: “Hold on.” (to sister) “Oh…my…God! I reached a parallel universe on the other end of the phone. I am speaking to myself in the future.”
NIKKI HILTON (in the background): “No way! See if I’m there too.”
JACQUE DUBOIS: “Hello? Hello?
PARIS HILTON: “What am I wearing?”
JACQUE DUBOIS: “How should I know?”
PARIS HILTON: “Okay. Does the future me go to jail again? If I do, I want to bring my own towels. The ones in jail are so rough on my skin.”
JACQUE DUBOIS (hangs up… dial tone)
PARIS HILTON: “That was so weird.”

Paris Hilton. Icon. Glamor girl. American icon. Role model. News sponge.

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